Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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