Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
