Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
