I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
