I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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