my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
