ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
She is in my trunk
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
