as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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