cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Randomize
