You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
