a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
