make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Still dying that you shit outside
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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