So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
