She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
His hands were made for my vagina.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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