Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
