Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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