I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Randomize
