you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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