wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
