We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
