: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
