I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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