I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
