Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
