i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
