ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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