I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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