I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Holy shit dude........stairs
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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