We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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