Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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