I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I think I am morally bankrupt
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
