I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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