I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
