I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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