I molested 6 butterflies tonight
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
