you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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