Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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