I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
