Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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