Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
