Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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