and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
