help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
two words...techno handjob
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
