Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
