Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
