I am spending my child support on dildos
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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