he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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