I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
