It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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