At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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