it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
