your thong is hanging out like whoa
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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