"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
