before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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