He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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