the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
