As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
