He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
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