I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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